Labels

Am I just imagining all this in my head? Am I rewriting every moment with you to fit in the fairytale that I want us to be? You melt me with the way you say you love me, that I can just forget everything and leave just to be with you. My feelings for you are too intense, it's insane.

Problem is, I don't think you know.

I never planned you, but as they say, love just sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You give me that feeling of getting swept off my feet with the smallest things you do. When you kiss me, and you say you love me, I feel like I'm floating. Everyone says I deserve better, and that maybe I need to hit my head hard to realize that you're not really in love with me, but seriously, I think things have turned around between us. I believe that you do love me, in your own way.

I'm going to be honest, though. You still call me your friend. I don't know in your planet, but in mine, when you make love to someone, tell someone you love them and that you'll marry them and have kids with them, that person is no longer just a friend. Saying you love someone and hearing and knowing that the person loves you back takes the friendship to a whole new level.

See? You drive me crazy. I want to believe you know what you want but you're just too afraid to do something about it. You're obviously scared of losing me to someone else from what I've gathered in our recent conversations, but seriously, I hope you don't expect me to stick around and be your "friend" forever because I'm smarter than that.

So you're here now, sitting right across the room from me, Skyping in German not knowing I'm blogging about you. Not knowing what's in my head. I should give you a piece of my mind, and drive you as crazy as you drive me. I don't know why I can't. In the moments when you ask me what I'm thinking of, I lose my words. That rarely happens, but the few moments it has happened, most of them happened while I'm with you.

So what is it that's really bugging me about this relationship? I'm completely in paradise when I'm with you, but the thing that matters to the rest of the world who are in love is getting to me: LABELS. What makes it worse is that I know why I can't confront you about it. Much as you're afraid of commitments, I'm also scared to hear that you don't want to label me as your girlfriend.