36 Confusing Hours

I was up from early afternoon last Thursday until 5am this morning, no dates with Godiva, didn't hear from him until very early morning when he told me he lost his phone at the foampit that afternoon. After work at 4am yesterday I had breakfast with an old friend and ended up talking until 2pm when I finally called it a day and tried to sleep. It was obviously a failed attempt.

I had fun with this old friend, he would always do this, invite me to breakfast and we'd end up talking until the afternoon, trying to watch a movie on DVD but forgetting about it. It's sweet, but I was thinking of Godiva the whole time. Why he didn't call or text just to check on me. I know my friend likes me, and he has all these regrets after he found out Godiva and I are finally serious, or that I'm finally getting what I want from the relationship. I can't promise him anything, and I don't want to lead him on. I feel so bad spending all this time with yesterday when I can't be anything more than a friend and he obviously wanted more than that. it's complicated having a relationship with him. We know the same people and it's a mix of people he doesn't like and like and vice versa. So it's not a good idea, I just feel like it's some kind of secret affair what we're doing. Keeping it hush that we're hanging out even as friends.

I headed to work that night without sleeping, and someone kept me up. Almost waiting  for me to finish work until he left the bar. He's one of the bosses that I chatted with at the staff party and I had no idea he liked me this much until tonight. He found a way to ask me to watch this amazing show--that I've watched several times because of Godiva and my friends from the cast--in VIP then dinner and drinks after. He said we'd go as friends, and I didn't see anything wrong with that. What's the harm in being friends with him when Godiva--who's supposed to be my boyfriend--is out partying with my friends not giving a shit that I've had a bad day at work last night? So why would he care if I watch his show with  one of the bosses and have dinner and drinks after AS FRIENDS?

I also ran into my ex-boyfriend who's a director in the company and we were also chatting for a little bit planning when I can drop off the DVDs I borrowed last time. Funny thing is, when I'm with Godiva, I knew I shouldn't because he acts like my boyfriend, but when he's not around, he just disappears so I feel single. No texts, no calls, no nothing unless he needs me to pick him up because he injured himself.

I'm all confused again. I know I'm not helping myself by comparing the amount of attention I'm getting from all these other guys and from my supposed boyfriend. I didn't want the attention from other men, I wanted it from him, but he's being so stubborn about the whole situation that he's risking losing me in the process. He wants me to have fun, but in what way? Is he disappearing on purpose so I can meet other guys and have fun without feeling tied down?

Is there anything in this world that's not complicated? All this is giving me a headache and I can't sleep from trying to figure him out and the whole situation I'm in. I can't have a sit down with him again, it's going to scare him off. So maybe, for now, I'll do as he says, I'm going to have fun. Enjoy being young, hot and gorgeous and just go with the flow with him.