Giving Up

It's been a rough couple of weeks... I'm beyond exhausted.

I'm probably mostly saying this because I'm starting to like someone else, been spending time with someone else and having fun with someone else. I gave it a chance, because you gave me the green light. I never wanted to, because I know what I want and who I want and both of those are you. I want you to be honest with yourself and stop denying the obvious: WE ARE A COUPLE. You fell in love too, and I'm sure that whatever you say about not feeling jealous or threatened, if and when I decide to dump you, you'll get hurt and realize everything and it might just be a little too late.

I took the good times and the bad you know... I tried not to be difficult and complicated to balance you out. It kills me that I love spending time with you. I even call in sick during your days off to be with you, that's how insanely in love I was. I would cherish every damn moment that you give me. Those little perfect moments when I'm your world and you don't want to be disturbed by anyone else. Those times when we laugh, cuddle and enjoy our time together are little moments that I could have millions of and not get bored. I think of forever when I'm with you... I got to know what paradise was like.

Honestly, the sex is awesome. It's crazy, sweet, funny and intense... It's freaking amazing how you and I are a great combination in bed. Unfortunately, at this point, that's beyond me too. I want a relationship where I feel like I'm not a secret, I want to trust the other person fully and I want to feel like he cares all the time.

You told me, you don't want to be involved if I'm seeing someone else, that I should pack my stuff and go figure out what I want. Another memorable quote from you is that you can just forget me when I decide to leave or when I threaten to leave. Now, I'm not threatening you. I'm really leaving.

I'm enjoying his company and the simplicity of having a good time with good people. It's not just us all the time. It's a lot of fun... I get to use my brain in the conversations--not dumbing myself down but actually thinking. I like everything so far, it's light and simple and there's no pressure in sleeping with him.

I love you, I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say I've fallen out of love. I know it's going to be a while, and even if it seems unfair to him, I know I like him a lot too. He's good for and to me, unlike you. I know I'm the one who'll mess up in case this thing with him doesn't work out, and I can say you might be involved in the messing up of everything if and when that happens. I know he's smart and has that figured out. I know he thinks everything is amazing, but I know he knows after getting amazed, he'll see the reality of everything and he seems like he's willing to wait it out. At least I'm hoping he is.

He's incredible and you're amazing as well. I have to choose between crazy and stable because both can be fun anyway. As of now, I'm choosing simple against complicated so I'm heading out, ditching you, saving myself from more trouble and crossing my fingers that I can stay away from you enough to have a relationship with this guy.

It's good bye, not good riddance. I'll see you around for sure... Hoping someday you'll finally figure out what you want even if that isn't me.