Oops!

Here I am sitting on my bed, thinking why I did what I did. I know I shouldn't have, and I should never speak of it to anyone.

You felt so good, we felt so right... And yet, I know it was wrong. I'm hurting someone without him knowing it, I know somehow I would be different with him. He may never find out about me sleeping with you, but he'll feel that there's something there. I wish I could just go on life and treat what happened as something casual, something we did only because we knew how great it was, but it's impossible. I knew I was still making love to you. I never felt the same way with him, never had it as good as how we always have it. We become one, and it's amazing... every time.

I know you. I know you still don't know what you want. I know it's still not possible to have a serious relationship with you without being paranoid and driving myself nuts. Still, I know I love you. I would always choose to be with you rather than him, if it ever comes down to that. I knew that opening lines of communication with you will remind me of how much I'm missing out being with someone messed up, soft and boring but loves me deeply, but I still went for the trap.

I'm crazy and intolerably cruel for using him. I know I can't count on you to be there when I'm lonely, but he will, so I'm not giving him up. He's silly because despite his obvious knowledge that he's just the rebound guy and that I'm too fun for him and it's never going to work, he's sticking around because he loves me too much. Besides, how many times does a geek score a model girlfriend? Probably once in a million years, so he's just going to put up with me, and maybe, eventually I'd learn to love him.

Next Chapter???

Funny how 15 minutes could turn everything around again after three months of nothing. Scratch that. It's not funny, it's absolutely insane and annoying.

How could someone just make me melt like you do? You walk in my workplace, smile, joke around with me and start a conversation and the next thing I know is, I'm back to wanting you in my life. I'm back to thinking how great the good times were and how much fun we had. How dare you just walk back in like this, really?

I'm really messed up. I have someone who'd give me the world, and yet, I'm not satisfied. I long for the laughter, the silly jokes, the crazy sex, and everything that made our relationship as happy as it was and nothing of the ones that messed it up. I just realized this now, after seeing you and learning that it's you that I actually still want despite all the hurt and confusion our relationship always brings about to me. I want to be with you and I want you to want to be with me as much as he does. I want you to only want to be with me and no one else, then I know my heart will be happy and contented. Is this too much to ask?