Giving Up

It's been a rough couple of weeks... I'm beyond exhausted.

I'm probably mostly saying this because I'm starting to like someone else, been spending time with someone else and having fun with someone else. I gave it a chance, because you gave me the green light. I never wanted to, because I know what I want and who I want and both of those are you. I want you to be honest with yourself and stop denying the obvious: WE ARE A COUPLE. You fell in love too, and I'm sure that whatever you say about not feeling jealous or threatened, if and when I decide to dump you, you'll get hurt and realize everything and it might just be a little too late.

I took the good times and the bad you know... I tried not to be difficult and complicated to balance you out. It kills me that I love spending time with you. I even call in sick during your days off to be with you, that's how insanely in love I was. I would cherish every damn moment that you give me. Those little perfect moments when I'm your world and you don't want to be disturbed by anyone else. Those times when we laugh, cuddle and enjoy our time together are little moments that I could have millions of and not get bored. I think of forever when I'm with you... I got to know what paradise was like.

Honestly, the sex is awesome. It's crazy, sweet, funny and intense... It's freaking amazing how you and I are a great combination in bed. Unfortunately, at this point, that's beyond me too. I want a relationship where I feel like I'm not a secret, I want to trust the other person fully and I want to feel like he cares all the time.

You told me, you don't want to be involved if I'm seeing someone else, that I should pack my stuff and go figure out what I want. Another memorable quote from you is that you can just forget me when I decide to leave or when I threaten to leave. Now, I'm not threatening you. I'm really leaving.

I'm enjoying his company and the simplicity of having a good time with good people. It's not just us all the time. It's a lot of fun... I get to use my brain in the conversations--not dumbing myself down but actually thinking. I like everything so far, it's light and simple and there's no pressure in sleeping with him.

I love you, I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say I've fallen out of love. I know it's going to be a while, and even if it seems unfair to him, I know I like him a lot too. He's good for and to me, unlike you. I know I'm the one who'll mess up in case this thing with him doesn't work out, and I can say you might be involved in the messing up of everything if and when that happens. I know he's smart and has that figured out. I know he thinks everything is amazing, but I know he knows after getting amazed, he'll see the reality of everything and he seems like he's willing to wait it out. At least I'm hoping he is.

He's incredible and you're amazing as well. I have to choose between crazy and stable because both can be fun anyway. As of now, I'm choosing simple against complicated so I'm heading out, ditching you, saving myself from more trouble and crossing my fingers that I can stay away from you enough to have a relationship with this guy.

It's good bye, not good riddance. I'll see you around for sure... Hoping someday you'll finally figure out what you want even if that isn't me.

Disappointed Heart

Everyone makes a big deal of Valentine's Day except you. So where does this put me again? You said Valentine's Day is only for couples and we're good friends, and I said my dad gives us gifts and he's my dad so it's not a couple's thing. I shouldn't have said that, I should have said we're not friends, we're lovers. I make love to you and you do the same and neither of us are doing it with other people. Technically, we're a couple and you're in denial.

I'm getting sick of it. I'm working night shift on Valentine's Day, having only one and a half hours to grab food with you and yet, I didn't even end up doing that. I ended up spending it with Sean in the break room. You called me to say you wanted me to go with you to Blue Frog though, but I was already ready and suited up for work. I felt bad... At least you tried. No flowers though.

This morning after work, I met up and had breakfast with Sean and he ended up staying. I swear nothing happened. He was beyond drunk and tired at that point and I have no clue how he managed to stay up until after my shift. I didn't hear from you though, and I didn't want to go home because you might have someone else there. I saw Bernard in the COD casino and he said you weren't picking up and I just assumed you were busy or asleep. It was 7am when I saw him and he was locked out of his apartment, so I told him to call you. I didn't want to thinking you didn't want to see me. As it turns out, it's one of those days when something really bad happens and the universe just won't let us connect.

Yes, you were in jail for stealing the guitar in a club because you were drunk and being silly. You needed me but I was out of reach as you said, and by the time I finish work the next day, you were already bailed out by your ex. Ouch! That hurt my ego... Wasn't that my job? And I felt bad that I was hating on you and spending time with another guy when all those hours you were in jail. I felt like a shitty girlfriend, but to my defense, I didn't even have a clue about what was happening to you that day.

We're going down the drain. Everything I worked for the past 6 months... It's all for nothing now. I thought we were doing better, but it's still a rollercoaster ride, and it has become crazier than the last one because the climbs are higher making the drops steeper.

I just want to be with you. Why can't you get that in your head and figure out what you want and save both of us the time and the pain.

Karma

Everything has taken a dip in this relationship. I just realized how selfish you are, you know that? I mean, you go out and talk to other women, flirt until they go crazy and then maybe--I'm not entirely sure--sometimes, you bring them home hoping I wouldn't find out. So why in f*cking hell are you upset that I was talking to Sean and dating other men on the side?

I stopped you know? I cooled down, because it seemed like we got serious. The heck, I was totally wrong. You only call me when you want me and need me. Lucky me, this was almost everyday since the New Year started until Sean came up. You gave me the keys, we fought, got upset at each other, didn't talk but you never asked for them back. I can't understand you.

Now, you came walking back in my life. Going to my work place and waiting until I'm done working and bringing me home again. The thing is, I'm stupid enough to still feel at home with you. In your bed, in your arms, lying beside you and making love to you. Until today. When I came home and kind of figured some other girl must have been there before me since you know my schedule well. I don't know, not quite sure. But, how do I explain to myself why you'd hide my stuff in your bag and be naked in bed while I was out? With your towel next to your bed?

Something always brings me back to you. I have an opportunity to be with a guy who actually seems to be quite into me a lot, and yet, I still choose you.

All this coming from the girl who played the game so well. Is this karma??? I'm stuck with someone who makes me feel like I'm not enough for him to cool down. So what do I do now? Ask you again, because I can tell when you lie to me. I'm just dumb enough to ignore it and stay with you.

I'm messed up. I'm confused. I should be moving on. I don't even know if I'm staying just to get back at you. I mean, really. How could I get back at you when I can't even stay angry at you? How can I play with you if I'm way too nice to you? Why only you? F*cking hell. Why did I fall in love with you?

Every single person in this world who knows about us, thinks I deserve more. I think I do, but I deserve more from you and not from anyone else. You think you're outsmarting me by lying, not knowing I just don't care because I want you in my life. I friggin' buy all the crap you say even if I know they're crap. LOL. Who does that? It's pathetic. It's ridiculous and inconvenient anfd it's driving me insane.

Bottom line is, somehow, it may be because I'm spoiled and I get everything I want in the end that's why I'm not giving up on you. Plus the fact that I am so totally, madly, in love with you my biker boy.

Sean

I got drunk... No let me say it again, I got CRAZY drunk. Godiva took us to Russian Bar but as usual didn't introduce me as his girl. So me and my girls were there with him and guys were swarming. This Brit cutie got stuck in the middle of us and his drunk friend and we chatted, and got too close I guess, as I got more drunk. Godiva was nowhere and everywhere at the same time, and since he didn't say I was his girlfriend, what am I supposed to say to my Brit cutie??? They work together and I didn't want to sound assuming when I say I am his girlfriend. It should come from him.

So he acts up, disappears, reappears then decides he wants to call it a night. My girls pushed me out the door to follow him, and then I went crazy at home. Not wanting to sleep beside him. :( He asked for it. He wouldn't say I'm his girlfriend and a nice guy comes up and starts talking to me, and he acts up. What the hell? He should have done something, like talked to me the way the guy was talking to me, he never comes close to me in public. I tried fixing his shirt at Russian Bar and he was like, "No." so he asked for it. I'm not to blame.