Monday Night Final Verdict

It's a very complicated situation I've put myself in. I can't believe it. I really love the guy and I just don't want to give him up.

Oh, someone just smack me hard on the head. This is ridiculous! He should be playing the game according to my rules, not the other way around. *sigh* So what happened? I can't even bring myself to write it down without getting pissed and wanting to shout at the top of my lungs. LOL.

Last week, this girl sent him messages about visiting him, flight confirmation, etc. and he went berserk saying, "Why can't you just leave me alone???" Now the girl's here, worse, staying in his apartment--which by the way is a studio. Did we not talk about me being his girlfriend already? Didn't he say he wants to be a better man for me and marry me and didn't he say he only tells ME these things. Am I being an idiot?

So he invited me over last night with the girl there, and I went just to see whether I should kick her out. She was too nice to get kicked out. I guess she knew her place. Lucky her, though, because I didn't know mine. I just finished the movie, kept myself composed, kept counting from 1 to 10 for the whole time and breathing slow. This felt so foreign to me. Never have I ever had to share my man with anyone else, and I swear I could never. So, next time I have him for myself, we'll have a little pep talk again.

Seriously, I'm getting tired of these little talks. It's like forcing him into doing something he's either not ready or just not willing to do. It's disrespectful and insensitive. I don't know how to rub that in nicely to him. I don't even know now how much he means what he says when he says things. I mean, not just to me, but in general. *sigh* It's starting to look like he feels he should make promises whenever I talk to him.

Well, I've had enough. It's either he straightens out or I'm out. This is final.

36 Confusing Hours

I was up from early afternoon last Thursday until 5am this morning, no dates with Godiva, didn't hear from him until very early morning when he told me he lost his phone at the foampit that afternoon. After work at 4am yesterday I had breakfast with an old friend and ended up talking until 2pm when I finally called it a day and tried to sleep. It was obviously a failed attempt.

I had fun with this old friend, he would always do this, invite me to breakfast and we'd end up talking until the afternoon, trying to watch a movie on DVD but forgetting about it. It's sweet, but I was thinking of Godiva the whole time. Why he didn't call or text just to check on me. I know my friend likes me, and he has all these regrets after he found out Godiva and I are finally serious, or that I'm finally getting what I want from the relationship. I can't promise him anything, and I don't want to lead him on. I feel so bad spending all this time with yesterday when I can't be anything more than a friend and he obviously wanted more than that. it's complicated having a relationship with him. We know the same people and it's a mix of people he doesn't like and like and vice versa. So it's not a good idea, I just feel like it's some kind of secret affair what we're doing. Keeping it hush that we're hanging out even as friends.

I headed to work that night without sleeping, and someone kept me up. Almost waiting  for me to finish work until he left the bar. He's one of the bosses that I chatted with at the staff party and I had no idea he liked me this much until tonight. He found a way to ask me to watch this amazing show--that I've watched several times because of Godiva and my friends from the cast--in VIP then dinner and drinks after. He said we'd go as friends, and I didn't see anything wrong with that. What's the harm in being friends with him when Godiva--who's supposed to be my boyfriend--is out partying with my friends not giving a shit that I've had a bad day at work last night? So why would he care if I watch his show with  one of the bosses and have dinner and drinks after AS FRIENDS?

I also ran into my ex-boyfriend who's a director in the company and we were also chatting for a little bit planning when I can drop off the DVDs I borrowed last time. Funny thing is, when I'm with Godiva, I knew I shouldn't because he acts like my boyfriend, but when he's not around, he just disappears so I feel single. No texts, no calls, no nothing unless he needs me to pick him up because he injured himself.

I'm all confused again. I know I'm not helping myself by comparing the amount of attention I'm getting from all these other guys and from my supposed boyfriend. I didn't want the attention from other men, I wanted it from him, but he's being so stubborn about the whole situation that he's risking losing me in the process. He wants me to have fun, but in what way? Is he disappearing on purpose so I can meet other guys and have fun without feeling tied down?

Is there anything in this world that's not complicated? All this is giving me a headache and I can't sleep from trying to figure him out and the whole situation I'm in. I can't have a sit down with him again, it's going to scare him off. So maybe, for now, I'll do as he says, I'm going to have fun. Enjoy being young, hot and gorgeous and just go with the flow with him.

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Am I just imagining all this in my head? Am I rewriting every moment with you to fit in the fairytale that I want us to be? You melt me with the way you say you love me, that I can just forget everything and leave just to be with you. My feelings for you are too intense, it's insane.

Problem is, I don't think you know.

I never planned you, but as they say, love just sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You give me that feeling of getting swept off my feet with the smallest things you do. When you kiss me, and you say you love me, I feel like I'm floating. Everyone says I deserve better, and that maybe I need to hit my head hard to realize that you're not really in love with me, but seriously, I think things have turned around between us. I believe that you do love me, in your own way.

I'm going to be honest, though. You still call me your friend. I don't know in your planet, but in mine, when you make love to someone, tell someone you love them and that you'll marry them and have kids with them, that person is no longer just a friend. Saying you love someone and hearing and knowing that the person loves you back takes the friendship to a whole new level.

See? You drive me crazy. I want to believe you know what you want but you're just too afraid to do something about it. You're obviously scared of losing me to someone else from what I've gathered in our recent conversations, but seriously, I hope you don't expect me to stick around and be your "friend" forever because I'm smarter than that.

So you're here now, sitting right across the room from me, Skyping in German not knowing I'm blogging about you. Not knowing what's in my head. I should give you a piece of my mind, and drive you as crazy as you drive me. I don't know why I can't. In the moments when you ask me what I'm thinking of, I lose my words. That rarely happens, but the few moments it has happened, most of them happened while I'm with you.

So what is it that's really bugging me about this relationship? I'm completely in paradise when I'm with you, but the thing that matters to the rest of the world who are in love is getting to me: LABELS. What makes it worse is that I know why I can't confront you about it. Much as you're afraid of commitments, I'm also scared to hear that you don't want to label me as your girlfriend.