Oops!

Here I am sitting on my bed, thinking why I did what I did. I know I shouldn't have, and I should never speak of it to anyone.

You felt so good, we felt so right... And yet, I know it was wrong. I'm hurting someone without him knowing it, I know somehow I would be different with him. He may never find out about me sleeping with you, but he'll feel that there's something there. I wish I could just go on life and treat what happened as something casual, something we did only because we knew how great it was, but it's impossible. I knew I was still making love to you. I never felt the same way with him, never had it as good as how we always have it. We become one, and it's amazing... every time.

I know you. I know you still don't know what you want. I know it's still not possible to have a serious relationship with you without being paranoid and driving myself nuts. Still, I know I love you. I would always choose to be with you rather than him, if it ever comes down to that. I knew that opening lines of communication with you will remind me of how much I'm missing out being with someone messed up, soft and boring but loves me deeply, but I still went for the trap.

I'm crazy and intolerably cruel for using him. I know I can't count on you to be there when I'm lonely, but he will, so I'm not giving him up. He's silly because despite his obvious knowledge that he's just the rebound guy and that I'm too fun for him and it's never going to work, he's sticking around because he loves me too much. Besides, how many times does a geek score a model girlfriend? Probably once in a million years, so he's just going to put up with me, and maybe, eventually I'd learn to love him.