Karma

Everything has taken a dip in this relationship. I just realized how selfish you are, you know that? I mean, you go out and talk to other women, flirt until they go crazy and then maybe--I'm not entirely sure--sometimes, you bring them home hoping I wouldn't find out. So why in f*cking hell are you upset that I was talking to Sean and dating other men on the side?

I stopped you know? I cooled down, because it seemed like we got serious. The heck, I was totally wrong. You only call me when you want me and need me. Lucky me, this was almost everyday since the New Year started until Sean came up. You gave me the keys, we fought, got upset at each other, didn't talk but you never asked for them back. I can't understand you.

Now, you came walking back in my life. Going to my work place and waiting until I'm done working and bringing me home again. The thing is, I'm stupid enough to still feel at home with you. In your bed, in your arms, lying beside you and making love to you. Until today. When I came home and kind of figured some other girl must have been there before me since you know my schedule well. I don't know, not quite sure. But, how do I explain to myself why you'd hide my stuff in your bag and be naked in bed while I was out? With your towel next to your bed?

Something always brings me back to you. I have an opportunity to be with a guy who actually seems to be quite into me a lot, and yet, I still choose you.

All this coming from the girl who played the game so well. Is this karma??? I'm stuck with someone who makes me feel like I'm not enough for him to cool down. So what do I do now? Ask you again, because I can tell when you lie to me. I'm just dumb enough to ignore it and stay with you.

I'm messed up. I'm confused. I should be moving on. I don't even know if I'm staying just to get back at you. I mean, really. How could I get back at you when I can't even stay angry at you? How can I play with you if I'm way too nice to you? Why only you? F*cking hell. Why did I fall in love with you?

Every single person in this world who knows about us, thinks I deserve more. I think I do, but I deserve more from you and not from anyone else. You think you're outsmarting me by lying, not knowing I just don't care because I want you in my life. I friggin' buy all the crap you say even if I know they're crap. LOL. Who does that? It's pathetic. It's ridiculous and inconvenient anfd it's driving me insane.

Bottom line is, somehow, it may be because I'm spoiled and I get everything I want in the end that's why I'm not giving up on you. Plus the fact that I am so totally, madly, in love with you my biker boy.

My Big Day

I was upset at him because of Jo. She was there in his apartment staying over telling me she's only here because of him. I wasn't just upset, I was angry. I felt stupid and cheated and I just assumed altogether that he lied to me about everything. I felt dumb because I fell for the lies, but past all the drama, I know there's an explanation and I shouldn't be overreacting just yet. I was there with him when he didn't want to reply to her messages and email and not answer her calls. So I should just wait for an explanation, surely, if he likes me and knows me enough, he will come around and explain himself.

So he Skype calls me but I missed it because I was running like a crazy girl trying to get rid of my stress from being his girlfriend and not being his girlfriend. *sigh* When I got home, I called him on the phone and I knew the moment I did, I should've just sent him a message because he couldn't talk.

You see, over the past months, I've gave him so much attention that by now, I know him well enough--I think, more than any of his girls here. I heard stress in his voice when he was talking to me so when we hung up, no matter how upset I was with him, I sent him an SMS asking if he wanted to meet up somewhere just to catch up. I had the feeling he wanted to get out of his apartment, and true enough, he replied, "Good idea." So we set ip at 6pm dinner at my place.

He actually came early, and he walked in, gave me a huge hug and kissed me. I told him dinner wasn't ready yet, but he didn't care, he said he just needed to be with me. So he goes to my room, sits down and starts talking.

His first words were, "I'm going to be completely honest with you because I really, really like you."
And in my head, I was saying, "Oh, come on! We've gone beyond like to love, remember? I don't think you were drunk the last time you looked me in the eyes and said that you're in love with me." But I kept my mouth shut. I knew him. I knew keeping hush is the best thing right now.

So there we were sitting on my bed talking about all his girl trouble, and I just keep thinking whether I'm playing Taylor Swift in her song, You Belong with Me. *sigh* I listen to him every time he tells me these things, looking him in the eyes so I'll know whether or not he's telling the truth. So far, he's been honest. He goes halfway through his story and starts hugging me again like he couldn't hold himself any longer. Now I know I can relax because the worst was over, and I know I can open my mouth and give him my opinion without pushing him away. I told him to set some boundaries and not give false signals to girls. I told him he should learn to say no if he doesn't want to do something with a girl. He told me he wants to take me to Belgium and Spain next month. He also asked if he can put me on Facebook as his girlfriend.

He stayed with me the whole night. We went out to have drinks with his friends then went on Skype with his nieces. After K finished work, we met up with her for drinks then we went home.He left Jo alone at his place, he went straight to work from my place this morning. He worked for 10 hours and surely he's exhausted after work. I wanted him to celebrate his anniversary in Macau in Bellini but he's beat, and I don't mind because I won. Jo and S may bug him forever but I got him last night, and I'm almost confident that most nights I will have him around too.

Monday Night Final Verdict

It's a very complicated situation I've put myself in. I can't believe it. I really love the guy and I just don't want to give him up.

Oh, someone just smack me hard on the head. This is ridiculous! He should be playing the game according to my rules, not the other way around. *sigh* So what happened? I can't even bring myself to write it down without getting pissed and wanting to shout at the top of my lungs. LOL.

Last week, this girl sent him messages about visiting him, flight confirmation, etc. and he went berserk saying, "Why can't you just leave me alone???" Now the girl's here, worse, staying in his apartment--which by the way is a studio. Did we not talk about me being his girlfriend already? Didn't he say he wants to be a better man for me and marry me and didn't he say he only tells ME these things. Am I being an idiot?

So he invited me over last night with the girl there, and I went just to see whether I should kick her out. She was too nice to get kicked out. I guess she knew her place. Lucky her, though, because I didn't know mine. I just finished the movie, kept myself composed, kept counting from 1 to 10 for the whole time and breathing slow. This felt so foreign to me. Never have I ever had to share my man with anyone else, and I swear I could never. So, next time I have him for myself, we'll have a little pep talk again.

Seriously, I'm getting tired of these little talks. It's like forcing him into doing something he's either not ready or just not willing to do. It's disrespectful and insensitive. I don't know how to rub that in nicely to him. I don't even know now how much he means what he says when he says things. I mean, not just to me, but in general. *sigh* It's starting to look like he feels he should make promises whenever I talk to him.

Well, I've had enough. It's either he straightens out or I'm out. This is final.

Clearer Morning Skies

Last night before bed, Godiva* spoke like I never heard him before. He made me rest assured that I am not imagining what we have. I voiced my concerns and he answered me, not upset or angry, but very gently.

 At that moment, the world literally stopped for me. I could hear every beat of my heart because I was so nervous he would say we're really just friends. What came out of those beautiful lips were the words that would melt every woman's heart. "Honey, I'm going to tell you this but I don't want to scare you away, ok? I honestly think I can spend the rest of my life with you. Without doubt, I know that I never want to lose you. I know you're still young and I want you to enjoy life as much as you need to before jumping into a life with me." Those words right there with his eyes boring into mine and the lights of Macau giving enough light for us to see each other's face, that was the best moment of my whole life in Macau.

As startled and amazed and touched as I was, I had to ask him my primary question: "If this is how you feel, then why am I not your girlfriend?" He just answered, "Because I'm afraid of the word girlfriend." And my head went, "BINGO! I told you so!"

Yesterday was full of doubt for both of us, and much as I want to believe we've known each other for almost half a year already, I can't lie to myself. We're discovering each other everyday, and it's good that we're taking things slowly. I love him, that I don't want this to end up as a mistake. I have more questions, but he proved that I shouldn't rush because I will always get the honest answer anyway.

I'm starting to see him as how everyone sees him. He can do so much and think about so many things, handle so much responsibilities but still see the world in a little boy's eyes, where only the good matters. He can be firm and gentle depends on what the situation calls for him to be. And that makes me love him so much more.

He needs to cool down and deal with his women, though, and I'm sure, if he's really serious, he will do that sooner rather than later.

The need to be close to him and see him every time I wake up is getting stronger. It's distracting me from everything else, and I have a goal to reach that I can't get sidetracked because I have limited time. I want to stay with him, in his place, sleep beside him, cook dinner, prepare breakfast and just be lazy on our day-offs. I want to live with him so I can go to work knowing I'll see him right after, asleep or emailing or Skyping in his laptop. My feelings are so intense, it's ridiculous. The love is so time-consuming, it's inconvenient. I knew it could be this way months before today, but I pushed through with it, and I feel the need for it. For  him. This is the love I'm looking for, relax and intense all at the same time, that it's so perfect.

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*Godiva isn't his real name, I used it because I think Godiva makes the best Belgian Chocolates in the world. And he's Belgian and he loves chocolates. ;)

Labels

Am I just imagining all this in my head? Am I rewriting every moment with you to fit in the fairytale that I want us to be? You melt me with the way you say you love me, that I can just forget everything and leave just to be with you. My feelings for you are too intense, it's insane.

Problem is, I don't think you know.

I never planned you, but as they say, love just sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You give me that feeling of getting swept off my feet with the smallest things you do. When you kiss me, and you say you love me, I feel like I'm floating. Everyone says I deserve better, and that maybe I need to hit my head hard to realize that you're not really in love with me, but seriously, I think things have turned around between us. I believe that you do love me, in your own way.

I'm going to be honest, though. You still call me your friend. I don't know in your planet, but in mine, when you make love to someone, tell someone you love them and that you'll marry them and have kids with them, that person is no longer just a friend. Saying you love someone and hearing and knowing that the person loves you back takes the friendship to a whole new level.

See? You drive me crazy. I want to believe you know what you want but you're just too afraid to do something about it. You're obviously scared of losing me to someone else from what I've gathered in our recent conversations, but seriously, I hope you don't expect me to stick around and be your "friend" forever because I'm smarter than that.

So you're here now, sitting right across the room from me, Skyping in German not knowing I'm blogging about you. Not knowing what's in my head. I should give you a piece of my mind, and drive you as crazy as you drive me. I don't know why I can't. In the moments when you ask me what I'm thinking of, I lose my words. That rarely happens, but the few moments it has happened, most of them happened while I'm with you.

So what is it that's really bugging me about this relationship? I'm completely in paradise when I'm with you, but the thing that matters to the rest of the world who are in love is getting to me: LABELS. What makes it worse is that I know why I can't confront you about it. Much as you're afraid of commitments, I'm also scared to hear that you don't want to label me as your girlfriend.