Summer Romance

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the Heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity and in a flash they're gone.

~ The Notebook

It was an ordinary Sunday, and the last thing I expected to see was a group of hot, young, Aussie men walking around the Hardrock. So when this group strolled past my area, I couldn't help but get excited, and when they stopped to watch, I just had to talk to them because "it's part of my job."

I scanned the group for my type of guy, and spotted Matt. He's got the dimples to die for and seems like the most matured of the guys. He spotted me too and approached the bar after I left with their glasses. We chatted about clubbing and where to go for food and finally I told him I'll meet up for drinks after work if they are still in Flame Bar. So basically, it was his call, and of course he's a single guy on holiday, he's surely looking for some fun.

So there I was in Flame Bar with Julia and he was sitting with the guys. He didn't come over until well a few minutes and made me think it was stupid that I went there in the first place. Luckily, the old couple who are regular guests of Hardrock came by as well as another colleague which doesn't make me look like a desperate girl looking for a boyfriend. 

I got a little too busy for him and the guys wanted to go to a strip club so he gave me his number. I kind of sat there for a few minutes after he left thinking whether or not I should throw it away. Julia said to throw it, but I did otherwise, I put it in my pocket and sent him a message when I got home.

I have to confess that recently, I haven't actually been miss hottie. I think I lost a little bit of self-esteem and I feel kind of pathetic because I'm turning 25 soon, I'm dating 2 guys, both of them emotionally unavailable. One is my ex-boyfriend trying to get back together with me while he's trying to work on a long distance relationship with his girlfriend. The other one is so much worse, that he only calls me when he feels like it, acts like he cares when we're together, but ignores me the rest of the time. Take note that he was a good friend and this was the last thing I expected would happen.

I decided that night that since my current relationships are nothing but a waste of time and energy, why don't I share special moments with this stranger while he's on holiday? Have fun, pretend to be in love, have awesome sex and hang out because I know that after a few days it's going to be over. I thought there'd be no harm in trying it.

I met with Matt in MGM the next night and hung out with the boys at Playmates for a little bit until we decided to head back to the hotel. I learned he plays football in Australia and is very close to his mom. He's cute and funny and great in bed. We both had an amazing night and he said he'd take me to dinner the next day.

We had Brazilian dinner the next night and the other boys tagged along. I didn't really mind since they were having a group holiday anyway. This was when I learned I was going to get married to Matt and I don't know, I probably am a little off my game I couldn't ride with the joke. I felt so stupidly timid and serious and old, I kind of hated myself. 

After dinner, they gambled in the MGM, went for drinks at the Lion's Bar and that's where all hell broke loose because the announced our "engagement" and made us both go on stage. It was funny but embarrassing knowing that the band and a lot of the people there actually know me. Ugh!

Our next and final stop that night was D2 Club and Mattie got so drunk, so fucked and so loose that I kind of got turned off by it. He claims he isn't always like that, but I wouldn't know and he's excused since he's on holiday anyway. We went back to the hotel, made love like honeymooners and I came so many times I lost count. I got a bit disappointed that he couldn't come because he was too fucked up already. He had a boner the whole night and most of the next morning.

For ladies' night, I got fab and sexy, brought Julia with me in the limo ride with the boys, went cruising around Macau and partied like a rockstar in D2. It was so much fun and I knew it was the last party I was going to have with the guys. I got looser than before, got carried, spilled drinks, broke glasses by accident, laughed, smoked and danced that I was so tired after. Matt left early, saying he was feeling too sick, he didn't ask me to go with him so I stayed. I went home alone and that's  when I knew trouble was coming.

The next day was their last, they did the Macau Bungy at the Tower and everyone said it felt great. I went to the hotel after work to stay with him one last time and I kind of felt a little lost because I knew already that it was going to be goodbye the next day. I was distant, cold and quiet, and so was he. We made love for the last time and then slept for a few hours.

At 7:30am, I went home wishing I never had the last four days because I couldn't help but think of his smile, his crazy dimples and his touch. I know this couldn't be love, it was a holiday romance and it was only good until it lasted. 

I've been back to reality for a couple of days now, and I can't help but to think that it's time to move on from Macau. I don't have friends here except the girls, I don't have a boyfriend and when I need to be with someone, most of the time, there's no one. It's lonely, and tonight, it got too lonely that I cried.

I wish I was in Nicholas Sparks' novel Dear John, where they had a summer romance but at least it lasted for a while. They didn't end up together but it became a real thing. I know Matt promised he'd keep in touch, but it's impossible for me to ever see him again other than in cyberspace. Besides, he's probably having another holiday fling in Thailand now, and he'll go back to his normal life and forget about me and Macau when he touches down in Perth again.

 

Oops!

Here I am sitting on my bed, thinking why I did what I did. I know I shouldn't have, and I should never speak of it to anyone.

You felt so good, we felt so right... And yet, I know it was wrong. I'm hurting someone without him knowing it, I know somehow I would be different with him. He may never find out about me sleeping with you, but he'll feel that there's something there. I wish I could just go on life and treat what happened as something casual, something we did only because we knew how great it was, but it's impossible. I knew I was still making love to you. I never felt the same way with him, never had it as good as how we always have it. We become one, and it's amazing... every time.

I know you. I know you still don't know what you want. I know it's still not possible to have a serious relationship with you without being paranoid and driving myself nuts. Still, I know I love you. I would always choose to be with you rather than him, if it ever comes down to that. I knew that opening lines of communication with you will remind me of how much I'm missing out being with someone messed up, soft and boring but loves me deeply, but I still went for the trap.

I'm crazy and intolerably cruel for using him. I know I can't count on you to be there when I'm lonely, but he will, so I'm not giving him up. He's silly because despite his obvious knowledge that he's just the rebound guy and that I'm too fun for him and it's never going to work, he's sticking around because he loves me too much. Besides, how many times does a geek score a model girlfriend? Probably once in a million years, so he's just going to put up with me, and maybe, eventually I'd learn to love him.

Next Chapter???

Funny how 15 minutes could turn everything around again after three months of nothing. Scratch that. It's not funny, it's absolutely insane and annoying.

How could someone just make me melt like you do? You walk in my workplace, smile, joke around with me and start a conversation and the next thing I know is, I'm back to wanting you in my life. I'm back to thinking how great the good times were and how much fun we had. How dare you just walk back in like this, really?

I'm really messed up. I have someone who'd give me the world, and yet, I'm not satisfied. I long for the laughter, the silly jokes, the crazy sex, and everything that made our relationship as happy as it was and nothing of the ones that messed it up. I just realized this now, after seeing you and learning that it's you that I actually still want despite all the hurt and confusion our relationship always brings about to me. I want to be with you and I want you to want to be with me as much as he does. I want you to only want to be with me and no one else, then I know my heart will be happy and contented. Is this too much to ask?

Giving Up

It's been a rough couple of weeks... I'm beyond exhausted.

I'm probably mostly saying this because I'm starting to like someone else, been spending time with someone else and having fun with someone else. I gave it a chance, because you gave me the green light. I never wanted to, because I know what I want and who I want and both of those are you. I want you to be honest with yourself and stop denying the obvious: WE ARE A COUPLE. You fell in love too, and I'm sure that whatever you say about not feeling jealous or threatened, if and when I decide to dump you, you'll get hurt and realize everything and it might just be a little too late.

I took the good times and the bad you know... I tried not to be difficult and complicated to balance you out. It kills me that I love spending time with you. I even call in sick during your days off to be with you, that's how insanely in love I was. I would cherish every damn moment that you give me. Those little perfect moments when I'm your world and you don't want to be disturbed by anyone else. Those times when we laugh, cuddle and enjoy our time together are little moments that I could have millions of and not get bored. I think of forever when I'm with you... I got to know what paradise was like.

Honestly, the sex is awesome. It's crazy, sweet, funny and intense... It's freaking amazing how you and I are a great combination in bed. Unfortunately, at this point, that's beyond me too. I want a relationship where I feel like I'm not a secret, I want to trust the other person fully and I want to feel like he cares all the time.

You told me, you don't want to be involved if I'm seeing someone else, that I should pack my stuff and go figure out what I want. Another memorable quote from you is that you can just forget me when I decide to leave or when I threaten to leave. Now, I'm not threatening you. I'm really leaving.

I'm enjoying his company and the simplicity of having a good time with good people. It's not just us all the time. It's a lot of fun... I get to use my brain in the conversations--not dumbing myself down but actually thinking. I like everything so far, it's light and simple and there's no pressure in sleeping with him.

I love you, I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say I've fallen out of love. I know it's going to be a while, and even if it seems unfair to him, I know I like him a lot too. He's good for and to me, unlike you. I know I'm the one who'll mess up in case this thing with him doesn't work out, and I can say you might be involved in the messing up of everything if and when that happens. I know he's smart and has that figured out. I know he thinks everything is amazing, but I know he knows after getting amazed, he'll see the reality of everything and he seems like he's willing to wait it out. At least I'm hoping he is.

He's incredible and you're amazing as well. I have to choose between crazy and stable because both can be fun anyway. As of now, I'm choosing simple against complicated so I'm heading out, ditching you, saving myself from more trouble and crossing my fingers that I can stay away from you enough to have a relationship with this guy.

It's good bye, not good riddance. I'll see you around for sure... Hoping someday you'll finally figure out what you want even if that isn't me.

Disappointed Heart

Everyone makes a big deal of Valentine's Day except you. So where does this put me again? You said Valentine's Day is only for couples and we're good friends, and I said my dad gives us gifts and he's my dad so it's not a couple's thing. I shouldn't have said that, I should have said we're not friends, we're lovers. I make love to you and you do the same and neither of us are doing it with other people. Technically, we're a couple and you're in denial.

I'm getting sick of it. I'm working night shift on Valentine's Day, having only one and a half hours to grab food with you and yet, I didn't even end up doing that. I ended up spending it with Sean in the break room. You called me to say you wanted me to go with you to Blue Frog though, but I was already ready and suited up for work. I felt bad... At least you tried. No flowers though.

This morning after work, I met up and had breakfast with Sean and he ended up staying. I swear nothing happened. He was beyond drunk and tired at that point and I have no clue how he managed to stay up until after my shift. I didn't hear from you though, and I didn't want to go home because you might have someone else there. I saw Bernard in the COD casino and he said you weren't picking up and I just assumed you were busy or asleep. It was 7am when I saw him and he was locked out of his apartment, so I told him to call you. I didn't want to thinking you didn't want to see me. As it turns out, it's one of those days when something really bad happens and the universe just won't let us connect.

Yes, you were in jail for stealing the guitar in a club because you were drunk and being silly. You needed me but I was out of reach as you said, and by the time I finish work the next day, you were already bailed out by your ex. Ouch! That hurt my ego... Wasn't that my job? And I felt bad that I was hating on you and spending time with another guy when all those hours you were in jail. I felt like a shitty girlfriend, but to my defense, I didn't even have a clue about what was happening to you that day.

We're going down the drain. Everything I worked for the past 6 months... It's all for nothing now. I thought we were doing better, but it's still a rollercoaster ride, and it has become crazier than the last one because the climbs are higher making the drops steeper.

I just want to be with you. Why can't you get that in your head and figure out what you want and save both of us the time and the pain.

Karma

Everything has taken a dip in this relationship. I just realized how selfish you are, you know that? I mean, you go out and talk to other women, flirt until they go crazy and then maybe--I'm not entirely sure--sometimes, you bring them home hoping I wouldn't find out. So why in f*cking hell are you upset that I was talking to Sean and dating other men on the side?

I stopped you know? I cooled down, because it seemed like we got serious. The heck, I was totally wrong. You only call me when you want me and need me. Lucky me, this was almost everyday since the New Year started until Sean came up. You gave me the keys, we fought, got upset at each other, didn't talk but you never asked for them back. I can't understand you.

Now, you came walking back in my life. Going to my work place and waiting until I'm done working and bringing me home again. The thing is, I'm stupid enough to still feel at home with you. In your bed, in your arms, lying beside you and making love to you. Until today. When I came home and kind of figured some other girl must have been there before me since you know my schedule well. I don't know, not quite sure. But, how do I explain to myself why you'd hide my stuff in your bag and be naked in bed while I was out? With your towel next to your bed?

Something always brings me back to you. I have an opportunity to be with a guy who actually seems to be quite into me a lot, and yet, I still choose you.

All this coming from the girl who played the game so well. Is this karma??? I'm stuck with someone who makes me feel like I'm not enough for him to cool down. So what do I do now? Ask you again, because I can tell when you lie to me. I'm just dumb enough to ignore it and stay with you.

I'm messed up. I'm confused. I should be moving on. I don't even know if I'm staying just to get back at you. I mean, really. How could I get back at you when I can't even stay angry at you? How can I play with you if I'm way too nice to you? Why only you? F*cking hell. Why did I fall in love with you?

Every single person in this world who knows about us, thinks I deserve more. I think I do, but I deserve more from you and not from anyone else. You think you're outsmarting me by lying, not knowing I just don't care because I want you in my life. I friggin' buy all the crap you say even if I know they're crap. LOL. Who does that? It's pathetic. It's ridiculous and inconvenient anfd it's driving me insane.

Bottom line is, somehow, it may be because I'm spoiled and I get everything I want in the end that's why I'm not giving up on you. Plus the fact that I am so totally, madly, in love with you my biker boy.

Sean

I got drunk... No let me say it again, I got CRAZY drunk. Godiva took us to Russian Bar but as usual didn't introduce me as his girl. So me and my girls were there with him and guys were swarming. This Brit cutie got stuck in the middle of us and his drunk friend and we chatted, and got too close I guess, as I got more drunk. Godiva was nowhere and everywhere at the same time, and since he didn't say I was his girlfriend, what am I supposed to say to my Brit cutie??? They work together and I didn't want to sound assuming when I say I am his girlfriend. It should come from him.

So he acts up, disappears, reappears then decides he wants to call it a night. My girls pushed me out the door to follow him, and then I went crazy at home. Not wanting to sleep beside him. :( He asked for it. He wouldn't say I'm his girlfriend and a nice guy comes up and starts talking to me, and he acts up. What the hell? He should have done something, like talked to me the way the guy was talking to me, he never comes close to me in public. I tried fixing his shirt at Russian Bar and he was like, "No." so he asked for it. I'm not to blame.

Home

So here I am in his apartment, been here for a bit and I can't deny that I love it. I have keys, I can see him right after work, get a hello kiss and just sleep beside him every night. I love preparing food for him, and this place feels like home.

I wish this could last forever. That he'll ask me to move in again. I am in love, and I am also scared to death that one day he'll just disappear again and tell everyone I'm bugging him and won't leave him alone...

It's pretty complicated , but all I know is, I'm taking it one day at a time until it ends.

My Big Day

I was upset at him because of Jo. She was there in his apartment staying over telling me she's only here because of him. I wasn't just upset, I was angry. I felt stupid and cheated and I just assumed altogether that he lied to me about everything. I felt dumb because I fell for the lies, but past all the drama, I know there's an explanation and I shouldn't be overreacting just yet. I was there with him when he didn't want to reply to her messages and email and not answer her calls. So I should just wait for an explanation, surely, if he likes me and knows me enough, he will come around and explain himself.

So he Skype calls me but I missed it because I was running like a crazy girl trying to get rid of my stress from being his girlfriend and not being his girlfriend. *sigh* When I got home, I called him on the phone and I knew the moment I did, I should've just sent him a message because he couldn't talk.

You see, over the past months, I've gave him so much attention that by now, I know him well enough--I think, more than any of his girls here. I heard stress in his voice when he was talking to me so when we hung up, no matter how upset I was with him, I sent him an SMS asking if he wanted to meet up somewhere just to catch up. I had the feeling he wanted to get out of his apartment, and true enough, he replied, "Good idea." So we set ip at 6pm dinner at my place.

He actually came early, and he walked in, gave me a huge hug and kissed me. I told him dinner wasn't ready yet, but he didn't care, he said he just needed to be with me. So he goes to my room, sits down and starts talking.

His first words were, "I'm going to be completely honest with you because I really, really like you."
And in my head, I was saying, "Oh, come on! We've gone beyond like to love, remember? I don't think you were drunk the last time you looked me in the eyes and said that you're in love with me." But I kept my mouth shut. I knew him. I knew keeping hush is the best thing right now.

So there we were sitting on my bed talking about all his girl trouble, and I just keep thinking whether I'm playing Taylor Swift in her song, You Belong with Me. *sigh* I listen to him every time he tells me these things, looking him in the eyes so I'll know whether or not he's telling the truth. So far, he's been honest. He goes halfway through his story and starts hugging me again like he couldn't hold himself any longer. Now I know I can relax because the worst was over, and I know I can open my mouth and give him my opinion without pushing him away. I told him to set some boundaries and not give false signals to girls. I told him he should learn to say no if he doesn't want to do something with a girl. He told me he wants to take me to Belgium and Spain next month. He also asked if he can put me on Facebook as his girlfriend.

He stayed with me the whole night. We went out to have drinks with his friends then went on Skype with his nieces. After K finished work, we met up with her for drinks then we went home.He left Jo alone at his place, he went straight to work from my place this morning. He worked for 10 hours and surely he's exhausted after work. I wanted him to celebrate his anniversary in Macau in Bellini but he's beat, and I don't mind because I won. Jo and S may bug him forever but I got him last night, and I'm almost confident that most nights I will have him around too.

Monday Night Final Verdict

It's a very complicated situation I've put myself in. I can't believe it. I really love the guy and I just don't want to give him up.

Oh, someone just smack me hard on the head. This is ridiculous! He should be playing the game according to my rules, not the other way around. *sigh* So what happened? I can't even bring myself to write it down without getting pissed and wanting to shout at the top of my lungs. LOL.

Last week, this girl sent him messages about visiting him, flight confirmation, etc. and he went berserk saying, "Why can't you just leave me alone???" Now the girl's here, worse, staying in his apartment--which by the way is a studio. Did we not talk about me being his girlfriend already? Didn't he say he wants to be a better man for me and marry me and didn't he say he only tells ME these things. Am I being an idiot?

So he invited me over last night with the girl there, and I went just to see whether I should kick her out. She was too nice to get kicked out. I guess she knew her place. Lucky her, though, because I didn't know mine. I just finished the movie, kept myself composed, kept counting from 1 to 10 for the whole time and breathing slow. This felt so foreign to me. Never have I ever had to share my man with anyone else, and I swear I could never. So, next time I have him for myself, we'll have a little pep talk again.

Seriously, I'm getting tired of these little talks. It's like forcing him into doing something he's either not ready or just not willing to do. It's disrespectful and insensitive. I don't know how to rub that in nicely to him. I don't even know now how much he means what he says when he says things. I mean, not just to me, but in general. *sigh* It's starting to look like he feels he should make promises whenever I talk to him.

Well, I've had enough. It's either he straightens out or I'm out. This is final.

36 Confusing Hours

I was up from early afternoon last Thursday until 5am this morning, no dates with Godiva, didn't hear from him until very early morning when he told me he lost his phone at the foampit that afternoon. After work at 4am yesterday I had breakfast with an old friend and ended up talking until 2pm when I finally called it a day and tried to sleep. It was obviously a failed attempt.

I had fun with this old friend, he would always do this, invite me to breakfast and we'd end up talking until the afternoon, trying to watch a movie on DVD but forgetting about it. It's sweet, but I was thinking of Godiva the whole time. Why he didn't call or text just to check on me. I know my friend likes me, and he has all these regrets after he found out Godiva and I are finally serious, or that I'm finally getting what I want from the relationship. I can't promise him anything, and I don't want to lead him on. I feel so bad spending all this time with yesterday when I can't be anything more than a friend and he obviously wanted more than that. it's complicated having a relationship with him. We know the same people and it's a mix of people he doesn't like and like and vice versa. So it's not a good idea, I just feel like it's some kind of secret affair what we're doing. Keeping it hush that we're hanging out even as friends.

I headed to work that night without sleeping, and someone kept me up. Almost waiting  for me to finish work until he left the bar. He's one of the bosses that I chatted with at the staff party and I had no idea he liked me this much until tonight. He found a way to ask me to watch this amazing show--that I've watched several times because of Godiva and my friends from the cast--in VIP then dinner and drinks after. He said we'd go as friends, and I didn't see anything wrong with that. What's the harm in being friends with him when Godiva--who's supposed to be my boyfriend--is out partying with my friends not giving a shit that I've had a bad day at work last night? So why would he care if I watch his show with  one of the bosses and have dinner and drinks after AS FRIENDS?

I also ran into my ex-boyfriend who's a director in the company and we were also chatting for a little bit planning when I can drop off the DVDs I borrowed last time. Funny thing is, when I'm with Godiva, I knew I shouldn't because he acts like my boyfriend, but when he's not around, he just disappears so I feel single. No texts, no calls, no nothing unless he needs me to pick him up because he injured himself.

I'm all confused again. I know I'm not helping myself by comparing the amount of attention I'm getting from all these other guys and from my supposed boyfriend. I didn't want the attention from other men, I wanted it from him, but he's being so stubborn about the whole situation that he's risking losing me in the process. He wants me to have fun, but in what way? Is he disappearing on purpose so I can meet other guys and have fun without feeling tied down?

Is there anything in this world that's not complicated? All this is giving me a headache and I can't sleep from trying to figure him out and the whole situation I'm in. I can't have a sit down with him again, it's going to scare him off. So maybe, for now, I'll do as he says, I'm going to have fun. Enjoy being young, hot and gorgeous and just go with the flow with him.

Clearer Morning Skies

Last night before bed, Godiva* spoke like I never heard him before. He made me rest assured that I am not imagining what we have. I voiced my concerns and he answered me, not upset or angry, but very gently.

 At that moment, the world literally stopped for me. I could hear every beat of my heart because I was so nervous he would say we're really just friends. What came out of those beautiful lips were the words that would melt every woman's heart. "Honey, I'm going to tell you this but I don't want to scare you away, ok? I honestly think I can spend the rest of my life with you. Without doubt, I know that I never want to lose you. I know you're still young and I want you to enjoy life as much as you need to before jumping into a life with me." Those words right there with his eyes boring into mine and the lights of Macau giving enough light for us to see each other's face, that was the best moment of my whole life in Macau.

As startled and amazed and touched as I was, I had to ask him my primary question: "If this is how you feel, then why am I not your girlfriend?" He just answered, "Because I'm afraid of the word girlfriend." And my head went, "BINGO! I told you so!"

Yesterday was full of doubt for both of us, and much as I want to believe we've known each other for almost half a year already, I can't lie to myself. We're discovering each other everyday, and it's good that we're taking things slowly. I love him, that I don't want this to end up as a mistake. I have more questions, but he proved that I shouldn't rush because I will always get the honest answer anyway.

I'm starting to see him as how everyone sees him. He can do so much and think about so many things, handle so much responsibilities but still see the world in a little boy's eyes, where only the good matters. He can be firm and gentle depends on what the situation calls for him to be. And that makes me love him so much more.

He needs to cool down and deal with his women, though, and I'm sure, if he's really serious, he will do that sooner rather than later.

The need to be close to him and see him every time I wake up is getting stronger. It's distracting me from everything else, and I have a goal to reach that I can't get sidetracked because I have limited time. I want to stay with him, in his place, sleep beside him, cook dinner, prepare breakfast and just be lazy on our day-offs. I want to live with him so I can go to work knowing I'll see him right after, asleep or emailing or Skyping in his laptop. My feelings are so intense, it's ridiculous. The love is so time-consuming, it's inconvenient. I knew it could be this way months before today, but I pushed through with it, and I feel the need for it. For  him. This is the love I'm looking for, relax and intense all at the same time, that it's so perfect.

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*Godiva isn't his real name, I used it because I think Godiva makes the best Belgian Chocolates in the world. And he's Belgian and he loves chocolates. ;)

Labels

Am I just imagining all this in my head? Am I rewriting every moment with you to fit in the fairytale that I want us to be? You melt me with the way you say you love me, that I can just forget everything and leave just to be with you. My feelings for you are too intense, it's insane.

Problem is, I don't think you know.

I never planned you, but as they say, love just sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You give me that feeling of getting swept off my feet with the smallest things you do. When you kiss me, and you say you love me, I feel like I'm floating. Everyone says I deserve better, and that maybe I need to hit my head hard to realize that you're not really in love with me, but seriously, I think things have turned around between us. I believe that you do love me, in your own way.

I'm going to be honest, though. You still call me your friend. I don't know in your planet, but in mine, when you make love to someone, tell someone you love them and that you'll marry them and have kids with them, that person is no longer just a friend. Saying you love someone and hearing and knowing that the person loves you back takes the friendship to a whole new level.

See? You drive me crazy. I want to believe you know what you want but you're just too afraid to do something about it. You're obviously scared of losing me to someone else from what I've gathered in our recent conversations, but seriously, I hope you don't expect me to stick around and be your "friend" forever because I'm smarter than that.

So you're here now, sitting right across the room from me, Skyping in German not knowing I'm blogging about you. Not knowing what's in my head. I should give you a piece of my mind, and drive you as crazy as you drive me. I don't know why I can't. In the moments when you ask me what I'm thinking of, I lose my words. That rarely happens, but the few moments it has happened, most of them happened while I'm with you.

So what is it that's really bugging me about this relationship? I'm completely in paradise when I'm with you, but the thing that matters to the rest of the world who are in love is getting to me: LABELS. What makes it worse is that I know why I can't confront you about it. Much as you're afraid of commitments, I'm also scared to hear that you don't want to label me as your girlfriend.

Holidays Away from Home

Christmas and New Year's have always been family holidays for me, but this year, I'm miles from home, in a place where they don't give much thought to these Christian Holidays. I should have been fine then, and yet I was still homesick and lonely.

I planned to spend Christmas with someone special, unfortunately, that someone dissed me for a night of gambling with his friends. Boys... Or should I say, Biker Boys??? Lol.

I never should have expected anything from him, not when he ditched me for some other party or girl or friend so many times before. I wanted to scream, and I heard myself saying again that this was the last straw. Unfortunately, I know myself too well, and I know I'm not kidding anyone anymore.

Something worse happened in New Year's. He totally ignored me in front of everyone. I didn't know what to think anymore and yet, I still feel the same. I'm such a silly girl. I thought I'd feel at home with him and he would take the loneliness I feel from missing my family back home during the holidays. How wrong could I have been?

I miss decorating our Christmas tree, preparing Noche Buena and going to midnight mass. I miss cooking Christmas lunch and opening gifts with my family. I miss friends, good times... I guess I just miss home. Period.

When did we all suddenly become young ladies? We were just teenagers giggling and borrowing each other's clothes a moment ago. Now, I'm here, my eldest sister in Singapore and the youngest the only one left home. I know our parents are trying to cope, but little do they know, that their little girls are also trying. At one point, each of us can't wait to grow up, and now that we are, I can't help but just want to be my daddy's little girl forever.

What is Christmas all about anyway? Why is it that some people celebrate it gambling, drinking and partying with not-so-close friends? I guess we all have different perspectives of this holiday. For me, I know that Christ is the true reason for celebrating Christmas, and that's why it's so important to be with family, because it's when I am with my family that I feel closest to God.

And what about New Year's? Why does everyone want to spend it with that special someone and wait for midnight to strike? Is it that important to kiss the person you love and say hello to a new year ahead? For me, it is. Especially now, with him, because 2011 is a whole new start for me, and hopefully for us. It's too bad I'm the only one who thinks that way.

I don't know how many more Christmases and New Years I'll spend away from home, but maybe next time, I will feel at home somewhere else with someone else starting our new home together. Then I'll know that I'm finally not my parent's little girl anymore. For the moment, 2010 Holidays could count as my loneliest, for so many reasons.