My Big Day

I was upset at him because of Jo. She was there in his apartment staying over telling me she's only here because of him. I wasn't just upset, I was angry. I felt stupid and cheated and I just assumed altogether that he lied to me about everything. I felt dumb because I fell for the lies, but past all the drama, I know there's an explanation and I shouldn't be overreacting just yet. I was there with him when he didn't want to reply to her messages and email and not answer her calls. So I should just wait for an explanation, surely, if he likes me and knows me enough, he will come around and explain himself.

So he Skype calls me but I missed it because I was running like a crazy girl trying to get rid of my stress from being his girlfriend and not being his girlfriend. *sigh* When I got home, I called him on the phone and I knew the moment I did, I should've just sent him a message because he couldn't talk.

You see, over the past months, I've gave him so much attention that by now, I know him well enough--I think, more than any of his girls here. I heard stress in his voice when he was talking to me so when we hung up, no matter how upset I was with him, I sent him an SMS asking if he wanted to meet up somewhere just to catch up. I had the feeling he wanted to get out of his apartment, and true enough, he replied, "Good idea." So we set ip at 6pm dinner at my place.

He actually came early, and he walked in, gave me a huge hug and kissed me. I told him dinner wasn't ready yet, but he didn't care, he said he just needed to be with me. So he goes to my room, sits down and starts talking.

His first words were, "I'm going to be completely honest with you because I really, really like you."
And in my head, I was saying, "Oh, come on! We've gone beyond like to love, remember? I don't think you were drunk the last time you looked me in the eyes and said that you're in love with me." But I kept my mouth shut. I knew him. I knew keeping hush is the best thing right now.

So there we were sitting on my bed talking about all his girl trouble, and I just keep thinking whether I'm playing Taylor Swift in her song, You Belong with Me. *sigh* I listen to him every time he tells me these things, looking him in the eyes so I'll know whether or not he's telling the truth. So far, he's been honest. He goes halfway through his story and starts hugging me again like he couldn't hold himself any longer. Now I know I can relax because the worst was over, and I know I can open my mouth and give him my opinion without pushing him away. I told him to set some boundaries and not give false signals to girls. I told him he should learn to say no if he doesn't want to do something with a girl. He told me he wants to take me to Belgium and Spain next month. He also asked if he can put me on Facebook as his girlfriend.

He stayed with me the whole night. We went out to have drinks with his friends then went on Skype with his nieces. After K finished work, we met up with her for drinks then we went home.He left Jo alone at his place, he went straight to work from my place this morning. He worked for 10 hours and surely he's exhausted after work. I wanted him to celebrate his anniversary in Macau in Bellini but he's beat, and I don't mind because I won. Jo and S may bug him forever but I got him last night, and I'm almost confident that most nights I will have him around too.

Monday Night Final Verdict

It's a very complicated situation I've put myself in. I can't believe it. I really love the guy and I just don't want to give him up.

Oh, someone just smack me hard on the head. This is ridiculous! He should be playing the game according to my rules, not the other way around. *sigh* So what happened? I can't even bring myself to write it down without getting pissed and wanting to shout at the top of my lungs. LOL.

Last week, this girl sent him messages about visiting him, flight confirmation, etc. and he went berserk saying, "Why can't you just leave me alone???" Now the girl's here, worse, staying in his apartment--which by the way is a studio. Did we not talk about me being his girlfriend already? Didn't he say he wants to be a better man for me and marry me and didn't he say he only tells ME these things. Am I being an idiot?

So he invited me over last night with the girl there, and I went just to see whether I should kick her out. She was too nice to get kicked out. I guess she knew her place. Lucky her, though, because I didn't know mine. I just finished the movie, kept myself composed, kept counting from 1 to 10 for the whole time and breathing slow. This felt so foreign to me. Never have I ever had to share my man with anyone else, and I swear I could never. So, next time I have him for myself, we'll have a little pep talk again.

Seriously, I'm getting tired of these little talks. It's like forcing him into doing something he's either not ready or just not willing to do. It's disrespectful and insensitive. I don't know how to rub that in nicely to him. I don't even know now how much he means what he says when he says things. I mean, not just to me, but in general. *sigh* It's starting to look like he feels he should make promises whenever I talk to him.

Well, I've had enough. It's either he straightens out or I'm out. This is final.

Labels

Am I just imagining all this in my head? Am I rewriting every moment with you to fit in the fairytale that I want us to be? You melt me with the way you say you love me, that I can just forget everything and leave just to be with you. My feelings for you are too intense, it's insane.

Problem is, I don't think you know.

I never planned you, but as they say, love just sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You give me that feeling of getting swept off my feet with the smallest things you do. When you kiss me, and you say you love me, I feel like I'm floating. Everyone says I deserve better, and that maybe I need to hit my head hard to realize that you're not really in love with me, but seriously, I think things have turned around between us. I believe that you do love me, in your own way.

I'm going to be honest, though. You still call me your friend. I don't know in your planet, but in mine, when you make love to someone, tell someone you love them and that you'll marry them and have kids with them, that person is no longer just a friend. Saying you love someone and hearing and knowing that the person loves you back takes the friendship to a whole new level.

See? You drive me crazy. I want to believe you know what you want but you're just too afraid to do something about it. You're obviously scared of losing me to someone else from what I've gathered in our recent conversations, but seriously, I hope you don't expect me to stick around and be your "friend" forever because I'm smarter than that.

So you're here now, sitting right across the room from me, Skyping in German not knowing I'm blogging about you. Not knowing what's in my head. I should give you a piece of my mind, and drive you as crazy as you drive me. I don't know why I can't. In the moments when you ask me what I'm thinking of, I lose my words. That rarely happens, but the few moments it has happened, most of them happened while I'm with you.

So what is it that's really bugging me about this relationship? I'm completely in paradise when I'm with you, but the thing that matters to the rest of the world who are in love is getting to me: LABELS. What makes it worse is that I know why I can't confront you about it. Much as you're afraid of commitments, I'm also scared to hear that you don't want to label me as your girlfriend.